Letters from the Front John Pezaris, Pasadena, California, 8 August 1995. THERE IS NO JOY IN PASADENA I have owned a 1970 Porsche 914-6 for many years, and have been the target of considerable good-humored ridicule because for the vast majority of this time, the car has sat in disrepair. When I moved to Pasadena, the car came with me, in a more movable state than usual, and was actually driven for a while. Most recently, it has been in the 1043 Del Mar carport awaiting various minor bits and pieces before being declared roadworthy once again. The minor bits are being shipped as this is being written, and the car should be on the road in a matter of days. In anticipation of this momentous occasion, a visit to the local Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) was in order. License, registration, that sort of thing. And I must say, the DMV here in Southern California is more arcane, more understaffed, and less willing to help or give accurate information than even the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles, an impressive feat indeed. What follows is another installment of the ongoing 914 saga. Read and take heed, my friends, read and take heed. In California to properly register a car, you need to have the Vehicle Identification Number (VIN) verified by the DMV. No problem, if your car moves. If you happen to be so unlucky that your car does not run, you may either have it towed to and from the DMV, or you may schedule a sort of preliminary field verification by the California Highway Patrol, which, in turn, will need to be re-verified by the DMV once the car moves (and you thought the legal presumption was that the testimony of an officer of the law was beyond question -- hah!). Did you say that is not the original engine in the car? Oh. Really. Step two, you need to pay fees. There is the flat registration fee (I've been quoted $45 and $27 for this fee; we'll find out later what it actually is), a fee based on the value of the car, and a not-made-here fee. Vanity plates? More money. The fee based on the value of the car is known elsewhere as an excise tax. Wondering what it might be? No can do, unless you are actually registering the car. The valuation is apparently done by a process so byzantine that only DMV employees authorized to collect the fee are equipped to understand it; mere humans have no hope. As California has the toughest emissions controls in the country (at least up until recently; some states now match the CA standards), you must pay a $300 penalty if you choose to bring a non-CA-spec car into the state, unless it was manufactured before 1975, the first year CA imposed stricter-than-Federal requirements. My non-scientific poll shows that more than half of the DMV employees are not aware of this cutoff, all of whom will argue the point. The language given in a DMV pamphlet to justify this "smog impact fee" is on par with the very best Soviet propaganda; it makes fascinating reading. More rational people might recognize the fee as a tax imposed by a state in financial ruin, desperate for cash. Step three, you need to have had the car "smogged." Rather than having smog applied to one's car, this actually involves having the tailpipe emissions tested at the corner gas station. There is a table of allowable rates and values for different parameters in the exhaust stream based on the age of the car. Will my car pass? Doubtful, but stay tuned. Without such certification, can you have the car registered? Not completely, but you can initiate the process and get a one-day "Moving Permit" to get it smogged. Or so I've been told. Forget to have the car smogged, or didn't realize it was necessary before registering the car? Sorry, come back tomorrow. What happens when it does not pass? You don't really want to know. Step four, you need to have either a valid CA driver license (why the possessive is dropped on "driver" escapes me) or an official California DMV identification card. To acquire such, you will need a valid birth certificate with official seal (no photocopies), or other proof of legitimacy (I will slap the next person who intimates that I am an illegal alien). Forms, a written test, and undoubtedly additional requirements will follow. Don't want your ID number to be your Social Security number? You must be a communist. Step five (you sure you still want to register your car?), you will need a note from your third grade teacher. I mean, you will need proof of insurance. Go find an insurance company and sign on the dotted line. Don't forget your check book. Oh, and make sure to get that proof of insurance before going to the DMV. I have now called the DMV four times, and been there twice (did I mention how efficient and helpful those civil servants are?). My best guess is that it will take another three or four visits to actually get a valid driver's license and registration for my car (how about that hour's wait in line each time?). Registering for the Selective Service was a whole lot easier than this ordeal. Think about the implications there my friends, and stay the hell away from Southern California. - pz. Next Letter, Previous Letter, Start Again Copyright (C) 1995, J. S. Pezaris, All Rights Reserved.